The distress flares have been fired, but the rescue boat isn’t coming. I will float aimlessly until my eyes and arms grow heavy and tired. Then my brain and lungs will trade oxygen for water and they’ll think they got a bargain. They welcome the inevitable. My heart is the only one in denial, but isn’t that always the case? I have been emotionally amputated. The parts needed in order to be a healthy human being have been cut off. Now I stumble through the days dead inside. Of course, I smile and laugh and put on a show, but there is nothing of substance left anymore. There was a time when I thought the future was something worth waiting to see, but I am my own worst enemy. Now I realize that the future will only bring more poor choices and missed opportunities. This cycle of untreated depression and self-fulfilling prophecies will see to that. Ambition will never have a home anywhere inside of me. I lack both the energy and the basic desire to enact any sort of change. It hurts to know that I am the only one who can help me, yet i am incapable of doing so. It is like trying to wake someone from a coma. I know I am in there somewhere. I just can’t reach myself no matter how loudly I scream.

 The darkness has already begun to creep in. November has arrived and now sends the sun to bed early every night. We barely see each other anymore. The cold winds, the prophets of winter, seem unmoved as they deliver the news that autumn is dead. Such external elements expedite the process of my self-alienation from the outside world. My willful withdrawal from society leaves me no place to go but inside of myself. It is a very unsettling place to be. The ground here is very unstable and i feel like it could give way at any second. From my bedroom window, i can see the busy streets and the sea of break lights from the cars passing in the distance, but distance is all know anything about. I used to be able to see the crest of the waves glistening in the moonlight. Now the ocean sits so dark and still that i can’t even tell where it ends and the night sky begins. Something has threaded them together to create an unabridged blanket of darkness. Several times today, i was so close to getting out of bed, but despair can be very convincing when it has you by the throat. All i can do is helplessly wait for something inside of me to rise in an unlikely coup de tat and overthrow myself. It is so tiresome to go to bed before the sun rises and wake up after it sets. It is so tiresome to sleep all day and still be tired. It is so tiresome to lie in these inescapable coils of emptiness. Hope has such a beautiful face, but she is such an unfaithful lover. Soon, the Christmas lights will line all of the houses on the streets. They are small beacons of happiness that will always be out of reach in this sea of despair. Their bright colors will shine like stars and as the cold air hits me, i will feel like i am in that dark vacuum above the clouds even further away from the world. I will be alone.